Life is like a breath — it comes in, it goes out.
What follows are fairly simple procedures by which that breath can be held. In other words, immortality. Lyctorhood.
Method 1. Do this each day. Once upon waking, once at local solar noon, and right before sleeping, consume a pinch of powdered mother of pearl. For each day this is done, you will not age that day.
Method 2. Somewhere along a path that you tread every day to get in and out of your home, dig a hole. Sunshine must touch the bottom of the hole. Do not do this while there is frost on the ground. Do not do this while there are puddles from a recent rainfall nearby. Bury 40 peas, something stolen, and an item or substance you find disgusting. Cover the hole and be sure you are stepping on it on a daily basis. Under ideal circumstances this will extend your life by 40 years, and can be repeated at any point.
Method 3. There are certain configurations of matter that, when captured by a digital camera, will produce an Imbued Video. Unfortunately this is a purely individual effect so you must find your own. The most reliable source is an obscure video service, such as "Obscure Tube" or "Project Random." You should only need to watch a few hundred of these, and wait until one gives you a strong and unexpected feeling, like hairs on the back of your neck standing up or inexplicable fear or avoidance. This is a clear indication of an Imbued Video for your particular human person that you are. Save the video, download it to a hard drive if you can, and watch it as often as you can bear to. You will live as long as the video, so make sure to keep multiple copies of it and offline viewing equipment that can survive solar flares and power outages.
Method 4. Whisper the words "Of this, nothing. Of me, nothing." and shatter a wineglass or chalice. This only works for women, which you ought to be if you are reading this website. There is an alternative version for men, but fuck em'. Repeat at roughly midnight each new moon, mostly so she doesn't see you doing this. The wineglass bill really adds up for this one, so find a restaurant or family member you can steal them from.
Any of these on their own can basically guarantee immortality. Doing more than one is just silly, but you do you who cares. Either way you will soon learn The Great Lesson.
The Great Lesson is simply this:
Life is like a breath — it comes in, it goes out. And holding your breath gives you a headache.